Sara Capanna

Montreal, Canada

Quarantine Thoughts

 

By: Sara C.

1.  They say that the meek shall inherit the Earth.

   Well, my introverted brethren, we are inheriting TONIGHT!

   We are eating hearty!

   No longer forced to make plans (in the name of safety)

   Curling up to watch Netflix for a week (in the name of self-preservation)

   Working from home (in some cases) and not making brutal commutes in order to keep the          curve against the ground.

2. I can finally jump back on the wagon

   Meal prep, eat healthy, work out regularly again.

   I finally have the peace of mind to become perfect again.

3. They say that the meek shall inherit the Earth,

   but I was never informed of the fine print in the contract.

   My body still leads me to my bed more times than I can count.

   Executive dysfunction is still a cruel mistress.

   She fills my free time with land mines.

4. Sleepless nights aren’t any less frequent.

   I inhabit the witching hours between 1 and 2 AM.

   Is this a lack of routine?

   Or is my body finally coming home?

   Anxiety is my constant bed fellow.

   The only thing pacifying her are four solid walls

   And the bare minimum of commitments. 

5. Productivity is the hell hound at the door,

   Omni-present and so quiet,

   it’s deafening.

   I can’t click off the number tracker in my brain,

   Or snooze my guilt after a thirteen hour sleep.

   I have to restrain myself from tacking the word “Lazy”

   Onto my birth certificate.

6. I really want a baby!

   I’m 24 years old and so touch-starved

   That I should legally be dead.

   Is this a symptom?

   Or a constant reminder that I’m 

   Just…

   So…

   Lonely...

   God, I’m so lonely.

7. They’re letting up the quarantine measures.

   They’re opening up schools and small businesses

   And they want things to go back to normal again.

   I don’t want things to go back to normal.

   I can’t HANDLE what normal is.

   I don’t want the capitalist conveyor belt

   That I’m handcuffed to to go back to full speed.

   I don’t want the future to come any closer.

   I’m not ready!


 

8. Did you know that I haven’t felt the urge to 

   Increase my medication dosage in 3 months?


 

   I wonder what changed….

     Quarantine has simultaneously been a time of healing and anxiety. I wrote this poem in a particular moment of heightened anxiety and vulnerability, and it has allowed me to process the many conflicting thoughts that I’ve experienced. As someone who struggles with speaking my truth plainly, I hope that the readers of this poem can relate and find solidarity in these words.

© 2020 by Repos Anxieux